Time marches on…

So I think we can all agree, I’m not so good at this whole blogging thing. However, I have a lot more free time so perhaps this will open up the opportunity for more content OR the lack of activity will cause even more space and time between my blog posts. Either way, it’s almost 2am, today is my 37th Birthday and I feel inclined to pour out my heart.

It’s no doubt the past two years or so have been a struggle, pregnancy loss, job changes, increased pain and decreased physical mobility, we also buried two of my Grandparents months apart, and 2020 is the year of COVID-19 and the great toilet paper recession.

So what’s really going on? I’m here another year older, more in love than ever with my husband, “retired”, yep you read that right. After nearly 20 years working with children in multiple capacities, due to health, Adam and I decided it was best for me to step back from working and focus on pain management and treatment. That’s another post for another time…

I’m grateful for friends/ family who understand my sensitivity because they are the same too, but I appreciate being able to pour out my heart and receive helpful support in return.

My current struggle is finding my sense of self and purpose. Now don’t get me wrong, my faith is not faltering and I know God has plans for myself and for Adam and I as a unit. (Jeremiah 29:11)

The hard part is waiting, for a sign, a bright lit up arrow, or billboard pointing me directly at what I need to see. Perhaps it’s not that easy, maybe it is. I guess as I’m typing this out I’m realizing I already have the answers, time to crack open my Bible and get some answers.

Wow, WordPress, this was the most inexpensive therapy session I’ve ever attended, so you accept BCBS? Lol

Age is nothing but a number, 37 is no big deal, especially since people are still telling me I look 25…ha, take that genetics. No, but in all seriousness, I’m blessed beyond measure, I’m cherished by my husband, highly favored by my God, and tolerated by our two cats…what more could a girl want?

Thanks for reading this and going on this journey with me, and don’t worry I’m not gonna drag you through some Eat, Pray, Love stuff. This is just a girl, and her Bible. So let’s see what we discover!

Side note: October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, please check on your friends and family, and kindly remember, this loss affects men too.

Childless and the Holidays

This year has held lots of firsts for us, and the major holidays are one of those big things I’ve been wary of enduring.

I’m learning how to cope with a lot of these firsts, and grateful for a loving, supportive husband that is by my side through all of it.

But one thing I find myself doing is playing the “what if” game with myself…”What if our baby was here and we were all celebrating Thanksgiving together…?” “This would be Baby’s first Christmas, what kind of presents would we buy?”, etc.

Please, please don’t do this to yourself, it’s pure torture and not productive.

I’m learning through this process and per the advice of others that I need to be kind to myself, and I want to gently remind you to do the same.

The holidays are hard enough as is, we don’t need to make it harder on ourselves.

So I’ve made a promise to myself to focus on all the good, grieve the sad but not stay there, and to embrace every moment as if it’s our last.

Happy Holidays!

November 19th, 2019

Today could be a regular day for anyone, just a typical Tuesday, like any other. Unfortunately, this Tuesday, this year, bears a whirlwind of emotions for me…

My empty due date.

For those of you following what’s happened this year, our miscarriage earlier this Spring hit us in a major way, and is something I’m finding very difficult to work through. I’m so incredibly grateful that as a Christ follower, my faith has been my solid foundation, my husband has been my rock, and I have a community of women who understand that this isn’t something to just “get over” and “move on” from.

Losing a child in whatever capacity, is pure devastation. One thing I have learned is that we as women don’t talk openly enough about our Pregnancy and Infant loss, and I’m not sure why. I know everyone handles grief differently, I just wish, this wasn’t something we felt ashamed, embarrassed, or scared to talk about.

I’ve mentioned my miscarriage quite often in conversation, not because I feel entitled, or that my situation is greater, or more traumatic than others. I talk about it because it’s part of our story, it’s what rocked our world, made my faith stronger, and drew me even closer to God AND my husband. It’s a milestone, a defining moment, an event I can’t and won’t ever forget.

Many women choose to “celebrate” today in different ways. You may find yourself curled up in bed, crying. You could be surrounded by friends and loved ones, distracting yourself. Or you could simply go about your daily routine as normal.

Today, I choose to celebrate our little angel, to remind myself that although right now they are in my heart, one day they will be in my arms forever.

36…

So in a couple days I’m turning 36, and let’s just say 35 tested me in ways I never knew were imaginable.

We suffered the loss of our baby through a miscarriage that wreaked havoc on my body, declared ourselves childless and childfree not by choice, we moved to another city, had major job changes, and much more.

But as trying and crazy as these things have been, something amazing happened. My marriage has stayed strong, and our faith had remained even stronger.

It’s always so clíche when people say, “everything happens for a reason”, but there’s so much truth to it.

God has put these “stepping stones”, as I like to call them, in our path for a reason, and although it’s hard not to question why, we know in our hearts

He has something big planned for our lives.

So, maybe I’m not as gung ho about turning another year older, BUT I am grateful to have another year with my amazing husband, family, and friends navigating through life and all it has in store for us.

The Beginning of the End

I’ve been MIA, I haven’t wanted to blog or really talk about these last two months, because the truth is, it hurts, it’s still hurting, and will continue to do so.

March 14th, 2019 I suffered to my knowledge my very first miscarriage. If you want to learn about that and the craziness around it check out my previous post.

I followed the Drs. orders that I would bleed about 2 1/2 weeks and then my body would start to regulate itself. We had a follow up scheduled for June to discuss trying to get pregnant.

2 1/2 weeks of bleeding, passing golf ball size clots, and extreme fatigue turned into a month, and now two months. “But Sarah, why wouldn’t you see your Dr.?”, you may be asking. Well after the first month, wasn’t totally out of the norm, it continued that’s when the no pun intended red flag went up!

I called my Drs office asking if I could start the Progesterone only mini pill in hopes that it would calm the bleeding, but after a week of that it only made it worse. So I made the dreaded call to my Dr. and Adam and I decided I needed to go back on birth control.

“I hate this, I hate my body, why can’t I enjoy Motherhood. Why can’t I be a normal woman and do the one thing my body was created to do? What did we do wrong? Why are we being punished? Why are bad people allowed to have good things and the rest of us suffer?”

These and many more questions echoed through my head on the way to my appointment. Adam was sweet enough to leave work early to accompany me, and boy am I glad he did.

You know what’s harder than sitting in an OB/GYN office, not pregnant surrounded by pregnant women? Sitting in an OB/GYN office right after losing your baby surrounded by young, fertile women who are carrying healthy babies to term.

So we got to the Dr and she agreed birth control was a good decision, however she suggested the Mirena IUD, and this idea freaked me out. So we decided to do the Depo Provera shot…which sucks, because it’s harder to conceive once receiving it and the longer you are in it.

We walked out of there and I lost it, I didn’t think it would hit me so hard but I went from childfree to pregnant, to childless all in a matter of weeks, and then this was the icing on the cake. It was a permanent decision and I felt almost like I had no choice but to make it.

So here we are, my first Mother’s Day, my arms are empty, my heart broken but on the mend, and my future completely unknown.

What I do know is that God has not abandoned me or us during this time, and we know now more than ever we need to continue to cleave to Him.

SXSWhat in the world?!

To anyone who is keeping up with this blog, I apologize for my slight absence, needless to say, “crazy” is an understatement.

Before I proceed, I will mention this particular post contains sensitive content pertaining to pregnancy and miscarriage. Please feel free to skim through, or come back to this post at another time.

Ok, so here we are, it’s the Saturday before St. Patrick’s Day, SXSW (South By Southwest) has made it’s annual appearance here in Austin and I’m still left scratching my head. Let me explain to you the crazy turn of events that has taken place in the last week and a half.

Upon our decision to endure a child free life, my husband and I made an effort to find a good OB/GYN who would help support our decision by suggesting birth control options that would be beneficial to us, especially since I have a history of excessive and sporadic bleeding. So I met with a Dr. (Mine was unavailable) and was told all sorts of crazy things on how people who have aura migraines are at risk for stroke, and then OTC oral contraceptives put you at a higher risk due to the high levels of Estrogen.

Shocked!

I had no idea I was at such a high risk, so she went over my options and we picked one we liked, the mini pill, I figured I would try it, and if I didn’t like it I could then try another option. Also, during that appointment they did an ultrasound to see if everything was ok, and drew my labs, and we expected to hear back in 24-48 hours, no biggie.

So we went home, still hopeful from the visit, my husband picked up our prescriptions and we enjoyed our evening.  7AM the next morning I get a call, the nurse said, “Your lab results came back and your pregnancy test came back positive”…

Shocked again!

To be completely honest, anything she said after that sentence went out the window because I was completely speechless at that moment. I had to come back the next day for them to draw my labs again to ensure that my HCG levels had doubled and that the pregnancy would survive, as it was very early on.

Needless to say Wednesday was a very long day for me, but I was assured I would get my lab results the next day, Thursday and then we would go from there.  I told a handful of people what was going on, because after all I was a little excited considering, this was the first time in my life I had heard anything remotely close to saying I was pregnant.

I headed into work Thursday morning, hopeful, content, and waiting.  I got the call mid morning and the nurse said, “your HCG levels dropped from 29 down to 17, it looks like a miscarriage”, again I heard very little about what she said next, but she did tell me that I would experience bleeding and cramping, and that the following week I would have to come back in to check my levels.

I struggled through Thursday, Friday was even harder, and this weekend it finally sunk in.  In less than 48 hours, I went from Childfree by Choice, to Pregnant, to Without, and it was devastating.  The best way I can explain it to people is that we were mentally prepared, but we weren’t emotionally prepared. God has different plans for us.  Maybe us choosing to just give it up to God, was He’s way of helping us prepare better for the future  and rely on HIM solely, rather than making our own plans.

So, Adam and I have decided to give this a try, we will try to conceive naturally, no Fertility help, and see what happens, we may give a year and then make different plans, but our hearts are open to other possibilities.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Rants, Raves, Getting over the hump of the week and rolling into International Women’s Day

So I’m a little peeved, I shared with my friend and woman I nanny for something that happened to me on social media. Now before I get into that I was under the impression that because its 2019:

1. You can’t shame women, whether they are loose or not
2. You can’t shame Moms
3. You can self identify as whatever you want
4. Everything should be free

I think I got most of them…anyway, my Instagram clearly states my choice to be Childfree, now it does not state why, or what my circumstances are. Apparently, that makes me a bad person…you see, I was told that I’m “selfish” for choosing not to have children.

Exsqueeze me…

I quickly snapped back with, “no, selfish is being broke and having children, all because you have a void in your life or you’re bored”

They don’t know my struggle, they don’t know the numerous ER visits because I was bleeding for months at a time, they don’t know the hundreds of dollars spent on negative pregnancy tests. They don’t know how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep or how miserable Mother’s Day is each year. They just don’t know, and they don’t care to.

It’s often said, “you don’t know love like the love of a Mother for her child”. Truth be told I resent this statement, first it is basically saying that because I don’t have a child I can’t love as much as someone who does, how is it anyone else’s place to judge or measure how much love I have or am capable of. Second, there are plenty of Mothers who do not love their children, they abandon them, hurt them, give them away, and so much more, and I know for a fact I have more love in my heart than they do.

So why is it so hard for people to embrace the fact that some couples/individuals want to be childfree by choice? This is something I’m definitely going to be doing more research on, for sure! I think what shocks me the most is how people, especially women feel it is their place to have an opinion about other womens lives.

In other news, the sun was finally out today here in Central Texas! It’s not warm, but at least it’s not cold! Hoping you’re staying warm wherever you are, and if there’s one thing I can wrap this post up with is, never forget the Golden Rule, it’s still applies to us even if we’re adults. Also, take this chance this Friday, as we celebrate International Women’s Day, although your focus may be on gender equality, equal pay, and a vast majority of other topics, I’d encourage you to take a moment and thank a woman who has helped inspire, motivate and encourage you. As women we should be building each other up, no matter what path life takes us on.

Sparked Joy

You may be familiar with Netflix’s newest television show, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo. All over Facebook and Instagram you may see photos of beds, piled high with clothes or drawers neatly lined up with the caption, “spark joy”, or something similar.

This new trend, the Konmarie method, encourages individuals and families/couples to not only declutter and organize what they own, but to keep items that “spark joy” when you hold them. If the item you are debating does not however give you the feeling of joy, you are then encouraged to put it in the giveaway/throw out pile. The de

Tomorrow my husband and I will be celebrating our 3rd wedding Anniveand a AZ asrsary and I couldn’t be more excited. For those of you who don’t know our personal story, it took us a lot of hurt and hard times to get to this milestone celebration, but the journey has been so worth it.

A lot of people think, “oh you’re in your mid 30s, and just now celebrating a newer marriage, you must have waited awhile to get married”?

Well, yes and no. You see this is actually marriage number 3 for me… not something I go around advertising normally, but things don’t always work out as perfectly as we hope. Rather than spending this post drudgeing up past hurt, I want to reflect on the positives.

I truly never thought I deserved a love like this. I had all but given up hope on finding love let alone the idea of marriage. God had other plans for Adam and me. God took two imperfect people and joined them in the most amazing union.

These past three years have taught me how to not only love selflessly, but what it’s like to be content, to feel cherished, and to experience the purest joy.

So while I sit here folding shirts and organizing drawers, it is a humble reminder to really evaluate who and what sparks joy in your life. For me, it is my husband, and our marriage and I vow to never box it up or throw it away, till death do us part.

Those Who Really Can’t…Nanny

I always wanted a younger sibling when I was growing up, I’m not sure why but the nurturing part of me just always wanted someone to take care of.  Don’t get me wrong, being the youngest of five, was pretty great, but there is also a large age gap between myself and the next sibling, so I grew up, in my eyes like an only child.

As I got older, I had plenty of people tell me I should be a teacher, I loved volunteering in the nursery at church, VBS, kids camps, etc. I started babysitting at 12, and loved it, to me it was more than just a job.

I really only ever saw myself growing up, getting married, and enjoying an amazing life, somewhere in Colorado? I don’t know why Colorado, I think I just always loved it there.  But anyway, back to my dreams, I don’t recall saying I wanted to “be a Mom when I grow up”, I did at a young age, aspire to be a concert pianist performing on stage with the Three Tenors, but unfortunately that dream ended upon the death of Luciano Pavarotti. But the thought of teaching always loomed in the back of my head, especially being a Music teacher.  My love for music and the arts, both through observation and my own personal performance, inspired me to pursue Musical Education, and focus on being an Elementary Ed teacher.

Fast forward, I’m 19 years old, and I get offered a chance to teach at a Private School and Preschool in my hometown. This was big, I was at the time taking a full load of courses at the local college and was ready to tackle the classroom.  So I jumped in, both feet first and it was wonderful, until it wasn’t.  Unfortunately, during my time teaching I had lost two grandparents to terminal illness, and had a health scare of my own, pairing that with school and teaching and I was overwhelmed.  I had to come back home, I needed a recharge, I needed family, I needed a fresh start.

I was offered a position before even moving back home, and the next day after I got settled I had an interview, it was great! I was offered the position as a teachers aide, however the lead teacher in that class ended up retiring during her maternity leave, and her class became mine.  I loved it, the class, the children, the staff, the whole experience was great.  Unfortunately, though I was getting at the age that I needed to, as my Mom always says, be “kicked forward”, and move out.  I always joke that they kicked me out, but it was time, and I’m so grateful that they encouraged me to leave the nest and pursue my own independence.

Being independent costs money, and Preschool teaching as rewarding as it was, was not financially fulfilling, and I had to look elsewhere for employment.  So I entered the corporate world, which was exciting.  I started doing temp jobs, which landed me experience in Banking, Home Loans, Insurance, Pharmaceuticals, and more.  I was hired on as a Private Investigator (no, not the catch a cheater kind), but our third party company ran background checks and pre-employment  screenings for companies looking to hire.  This was it! This was where I felt I was happiest, until…the Recession hit and our company did a mass layoff, and I was back to square one.

During this time, I was in the middle of a separation from my first husband, living in an apartment with my best friend, and now unemployed.  This is where my big move to Texas comes into play.  I decided to move to Texas with her and her husband (who would be stationed at Ft. Hood), and go on an adventure. Once we all got settled out here, I had to find work, and in a military town you are competing for jobs with military wives and veterans, and the pay grade is low, but I didn’t want to give up hope that I would find something, I didn’t want to quit, and going back to Arizona would be me admitting failure.

In 2009 I ended up finding a job as a nanny for 3 kids, and loved it.  This was my first nanny position, and it taught me a lot. From there I bounced back and forth between corporate jobs and childcare, and every single time it brought me back to where my heart lies,as a Nanny.  So here I am, ten years and 9 kiddos later, still living life to the fullest, and enjoying the title of Nanny.

 

I didn’t choose the Nanny life, the Nanny life chose me.

Confessions of a Cat Mom…

You’ve seen it everywhere, that expression, “My kids have paws”, or “My kids have four feet”…well mine do!

Call them furbabies, cat kids, whatever you like but in our home, our children are our cats.

Now I will be honest, I’ve not always been a cat person, in fact I’m allergic, not deathly, but enough to induce watery eyes and make me a candidate for a Clear Eyes commercial.

I grew up with dogs mostly and cats occasionally because most of my family members also have allergies, so that ruled the pet decision in our home. It wasn’t until about eleven years ago, I could actually tolerate being around them, even so much as saying I could see myself having one or two.

Sounds harsh, but here is why the hesitation. Dogs are man’s best friend, loyal, energetic, co-dependent. Cats…well cats are not, in fact my husband always says, “Dogs have owners, Cats have staff”, and it’s funny because it’s true. Give a cat food and water, and they are fine, pet them when they present the Belly, but not too long, or else the claws come out, and give them “scritches” on occasion. I truly believe other than doing all the above, cats would be perfectly content being left alone, at least I feel ours would.

So Sarah, when did you get your cats?

Great question! Our cats were my husband’s prior to our marriage. He’s had both Macie and Lucy, for awhile, and definitely long enough to spoil them!

But as much as I joke around about how theatrical these girls are, I am incredibly grateful for both of them, and also love seeing what a big softie Adam becomes because of them. It’s one of the reasons I fell in love with him.

Here are some photos of our sweet girls Macie or “Mama’s Sweet Baby Girl” (top) and Lucy or as Adam calls her, “Itty Bitty” (bottom).

So tell me, are you more of a cat or dog person?